Why you need to toss the sandwich approach of giving feedback in the bin

It may be one of the most popular approaches to delivering difficult feedback, but in many cases the “sh*t sandwich” feedback model is just that – sh*t. What is the sandwich approach? It’s sandwiching negative feedback between two positive points. A slice of praise, the real feedback acting as the meat in the middle, and then another slice of positivity to round it out. Criticism squeezed between compliments. Positive, negative, positive.

The idea behind the sandwich approach is that it softens the blow and protects people’s feelings; that it encourages and highlights someone’s strengths, while also suggesting room for improvement. And if that’s what you’re genuinely trying to do, then the sandwich method may be appropriate. It’s not always sh*t. But if the intention of your feedback is to address a serious concern, poor behaviour, or negative performance issue, couching your feedback in praise is not your best bet.

Here are two reasons why:

It’s not authentic and feels fake

The recipient will often see the praise as disingenuous. They know (or think they know) the praise is only there to soften the blow and they resent it. They focus on the negative feedback and discard the positive. They become frustrated and angry you couldn’t just tell them what was on your mind and in the future don’t believe the compliments you give, feeling that it’s a lie. Rather than make the feedback more palatable, your sandwich approach damages your relationship, and their trust in you is undermined.

It waters down feedback and detracts from your message

The opposite can be even more common and problematic. Rather than discard the positives that form either end of your sandwich, some people will hold onto them firmly and ignore the “sh*t” in the middle – the real feedback you wanted to convey. They gloss over the problem and figure it’s not that serious given you had so many nice things to say about them as well. 

This can lead to the recipient remaining oblivious to the problem or believing it’s simply a minor issue and not something that needs immediate attention.

The alternative…

So, if the sandwich approach is on the nose, what is the best way to give challenging feedback? The first thing to understand is there’s not a one-size-fits-all approach. Different people have different personalities, preferences and communication styles and this will affect the way they like to receive feedback. Some people like their feedback direct, and others prefer a softer approach.

Either way, when it comes to delivering negative or difficult feedback the key is to stay hard on the issue and soft on the person. It’s about delivering your message in a clear and concise way, while also using warmth, empathy and tact. 

Here are 10 pointers to help you do it well:

1. Start with why. Explain your intention and why you’re having the conversation. Let them know you want to help them grow, improve and develop. 
2. Tell them what it’s really about and be specific. Make it about the behaviour, not the person. 
3. Provide examples to demonstrate your point. 
4. Describe the impact of the behaviour on you, the team, the organisation, or the person themselves. Speak to their motivations and drivers.
5. Be empathetic, but firm. 
6. Own your part and take responsibility for your actions. If you should have raised this issue with them weeks ago, tell them that and apologise.
7. Ask for their feedback and thoughts. Although it doesn’t excuse poor behaviour, giving the recipient the opportunity to explain is important for gaining a full picture of the situation. It’s also important they feel heard.
8. Outline what change needs to happen and be clear of the consequences. You may work with the person to come up with a solution to the problem, or alternative behaviours together. 
9. Get their commitment and finish with a clear course of action and shared understanding of the conversation. Make sure you’re both on the same page and there is no ambiguity.
10. Follow up. Schedule a follow-up conversation to track progress and ensure the relationship is protected.

Next time you have to deliver challenging feedback, throw the sandwich in the bin and try this approach instead.

Leah Mether is a communication and human skills specialist, trainer, speaker, facilitator and author of Soft is the New Hard: How to Communicate Effectively Under Pressure and Steer Through the Storm: How to Communicate and Lead Courageously Through Change (Ingram Spark, $25.00).