Before that, however, I’d offer this advice: If you’re in a relationship that’s already struggling, consider seeing a marriage counsellor. I know, I know! Most people believe counseling signals the death knell for relationships. That may be. But it is very difficult for people in a distressed relationship to talk without becoming aggressive and destructive.
If there is still a commitment on both sides, be assertive about finding a counsellor you both like and trust. If one or both of you is not happy, try a different therapist. The match between therapist and client is extremely important in this kind of work, and can sometimes take a couple of goes to get right.
If you’re lucky enough to be in a relationship that’s not in distress, try this:
- Have an annual review. Take a weekend, go away from home (without the kids), sit down together and discuss openly how you feel the relationship, and whether the balance between work and “life” is working for you both.
- Don’t talk over each other. When you do this you are not listening to the whole message, you’re assuming you know how the sentence will finish.
- Treat each other with respect. You got together with your partner for good reasons; remember that when you feel angry.
- Argue about the small stuff! If you let minor irritations build up over a long relationship they can cause real damage to the relationship.
- Always adopt the position that the other person has the best intentions for the relationship. So, even if the other person is criticising, it is with the aim of improving the relationship
- Never, ever call each other names. Apart from being childish, name calling also causes irreparable damage. If you call your partner a “pig” you might later say “I didn’t mean it”. But the fact is you thought it and you put it out there.
- Seek help early. Early intervention is always the best approach. It means less damage occurs, and intervention is much faster and more successful.
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