The meeting room can be a strange place. It has its own set of rules and regulations.
While meetings can range from relaxed banter to intense negotiations there is a certain aura around meetings that leaves some of us a little unsure of how to act when something out of the ordinary occurs.
For example, imagine you have walked into a regular meeting with your team, or another department or an affiliate. You have been working together on a project for months or even years and once again it is time for the update on progress. You have looked forward to this meeting, you have prepared and feel proud of your achievements. Then, all of a sudden, completely unexpectedly, someone fires a shot across the room directly at you. Your efforts, performance and ability to achieve results are under attack.
The attack usually contains some form of rationale. This is the logical argument and most of your efforts should be put towards addressing this. If there is someone telling you that you are not achieving results they may very well be correct. If so, acknowledge the person’s position and provide explanations and substance as to why the set of circumstances has arisen.
Most importantly, direct the discussion towards agreed expectations, as they were in the past, as they stand now and most importantly what you both agree for the future. This is the best way to progress the discussion towards something constructive.
When there is a conflict go back to your common ground. What do you all agree was the common goal or vision in the first place?
The expectations may be too high, or beyond what you can deliver. Be realistic and discuss what is possible and what is not – and back up the arguments with reason and facts.
Beyond the logic there is an emotional component to any confrontation. It usually involves anger on the behalf of the attacker and embarrassment on behalf of the attacked. Emotions can quickly spiral out of control in a stressful environment, so it is important to try and diffuse the emotion – not ignore it.
Helpful phrases for diffusing an aggressive situation can include “Let’s step back for a moment and assess the situation”, or “I can see you’re angry, but let’s try and address the issues one by one”. People often express negative emotions beyond intended levels, so drawing someone’s attention to their obvious emotion is a good way to bring about a reality check. It is also important to keep in mind that if someone is particularly emotional it may take some time for them to calm down to a point of logical reasoning.
Keeping a firm, calm voice is also a powerful way to maintain control. An aggressive person expects a reaction when being aggressive. If this reaction does not occur they can lose their nerve and start to question their own position.
Most of the aggression shown in meeting situations is the result of the attacker deciding that something other than themselves is responsible for the unfavourable set of circumstances they find themselves in.
This blaming behaviour is a very quick way to ruin a working relationship, but if you are on the receiving end the best way to resurrect an open and positive exchange is to take responsibility for that which you may have done incorrectly, and to quickly refute anything that is out of your control. Stick to facts and remain calm.
When the first stone is thrown in an exchange it must be kept in mind that this is the result of an already strained relationship, not the cause of a strained relationship. If you come to the realisation that you are working in a strained relationship then the most productive thing to do is to build some bridges and goodwill. Remind yourself of the common goals you once shared.
If your efforts at bridge building are poorly received then it may just be time to walk away and get advice from a mentor, or if possible, put your efforts towards people who are willing to cooperate and who appreciate your work.
It’s sometimes as simple as reminding yourself to BUILD not BREAK the relationship.
Sometimes you cannot help but go over and over the tough meeting, rehashing the words and phrases that upset you and got under your skin and that keeps you stuck and unable to move forward. It’s okay to vent, but give it a time limit and bring it to an end. Overnight – and that’s more than enough. New day, fresh feelings, no more venting. BUILD! NOT BREAK!
Eve Ash has produced a wide range of resources to assess and develop conflict resolution and meeting management skills.
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