De Cremer and his colleagues set about testing this. They got sets of volunteers, who could only communicate by computer. One received 30 euros, but could only share 5 euros of this with their partner. Some of the partners apologised for this, while others didn’t. When someone didn’t apologise, the researchers told the volunteer to imagine they’d received an apology.
They then asked half the volunteers how they felt about the apology. The ones who received one didn’t value it very much at all. The others, who imagined an apology, did.
The moral of the story: even when people want an apology, it might not make them feel all that better on its own. “I think an apology is a first step in the reconciliation process,” De Cremer says. But “you need to show that you will do something else”.
3) Consider your relationship
The best apologies take into account the dynamics of your relationship with the person or group you’re apologising to.
Ryan Fehr and Michele Gelfand of the University of Maryland have conducted a series of studies examining the different components of apologies – “expressions of empathy, offers of compensation, and acknowledgement of the violation of social norms”.
They found that people responded best to apologies that reflected their general relationship to the person apologising. People who were wronged by someone they were close to, such as a spouse, appreciated expressions of empathy. When it came to professional relationships, offers of compensation went down well.
But when apologising to people you like but aren’t overly close to, or to larger groups, acknowledging that you’ve violated social norms will go down best.
Your apologies should get to the emotional root of the hurt you caused. And different groups expect different things from you.
Research mentioned:
“Better late than early: The influence of timing on apology effectiveness” – Journal of experimental psychology, 2001.
“How important is an apology to you? Forecasting errors in evaluating the value of apologies” – Psychological Science, 2011.
“When apologies work: How matching apology components to victims’ self-construals facilitates forgiveness” – Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 2010.
Myriam Robin is a reporter for SmartCompany and its sister site LeadingCompany. She has degrees in economics, international studies and journalism. She likes writing about businesses taking risks and doing new things.
