Burnout… the reason for my lame coffee order

In a post first published on Private Media’s internal blog, chief operating officer Ai Mawdsley shares her history of burnout, and offers her expert, informed advice on coping with it

Those in Private Media’s Melbourne office may have said or heard this before: “… a soy decaf what?”

I’ve had workplace burnout three times (I didn’t know that was what it was called the first time). This is not something I am proud of, as clearly it is evidence that I don’t learn from past experience! But in my defence, the cause of each burnout episode was quite different…

Episode 1

I was part of an Accenture sales team working on a pitch that required me to travel every week for four months. 60-80 hour work weeks were the norm during this time, culminating in a final deadline where I worked from 9am to 4am for four consecutive days. After a euphoric alcohol and karaoke-filled night celebrating submission with my deliriously sleep-deprived teammates (ABBA featured heavily), I returned home and proceeded to hit the wall with a magnitude and force I had never before experienced. I was decidedly unwell – cue uncontrollable crying to my manager – and was given time off work. I sought medical help for heart palpitations, and after a barrage of tests showed nothing structurally wrong with my heart, the GP determined it to be stress-related and said “erm maybe you should lay off the coffee for a while too”. Upon my return to work, I asked to transfer to another department which was slower paced – and kicked off a decaf habit that continues a decade on! (Honestly, it tastes just the same.)

Episode 2

Returning to work post-baby was brutal. Alongside sleep deprivation, leaky boobs and missing my baby – I also had to contend with (what I now understand to be) gaslighting from a colleague. This person spent the time I was on maternity leave casting a shadow on my abilities and contributions to the business. Upon my return, I found that people were treating me differently post-leave vs pre-leave. This was really confusing and deeply upsetting, as I couldn’t quite understand what had changed. There was no outright hostility, but rather a slow build-up of subtle things that left me continuously second-guessing myself. Psychologically it had me tied up in knots – which translated to me being physically exhausted. I ended up needing to remove myself from the situation because of the impact it was having on my health, and it took many months of cognitive behavioural therapy with a clinical psychologist to get better.

Episode 3

… was right here at Private Media. Those who attended our internal Mental Health For Media Organisations Training with Dean Yates, heard some of this story. In November 2022, a close friend – a young woman who was diagnosed with Leukaemia only five months earlier – passed away. A week later my last living grandparent died and then in quick succession our prior People & Culture Manager resigned, a senior PM executive had a widely publicised incident, and the builder doing our home reno declared bankruptcy. This was layered on the ongoing stresses of Crikey’s court case with Lachlan Murdoch, the ad market recession making us miss our revenue targets, and a traumatic self-ex-communication from our church of 12 years. 2022 was a year to say the least!

By December, I was running on empty. I remember dragging myself out of bed to lead the Crikey strategy sessions in Sydney. My husband caught COVID just before Christmas so for a week I was 100% carer for our two young children whilst working a demanding job. I just kept pushing through because I didn’t have any chance to take a break.

Then in the middle of Christmas Day lunch at my in-laws, my body literally shut down. Amidst cheerful chatter and mouthfuls of roast turkey, I wordlessly went and lay on the couch and proceeded to not be able to get out of bed for four days. After three weeks of annual leave (chilled camping at the Great Ocean Road) I still wasn’t better. Cue uncontrollable crying to Will, our CEO, upon my return to work in mid-January.

Upon realising that time off work wasn’t enough – I put in place a number of interventions:

seeing not one but two psychologists*
restructuring domestic arrangements so that I was doing less childcare and house stuff
reducing and restructuring my workload with the help of other members of the team
restarting some form of exercise
making mental health check-in the #1 agenda item for my weekly check-in with Will.

With all these interventions in place, I finally felt like my full self by April… four months later.

So what have I learnt?

Burnout can be caused by a variety of things: psychological (gaslighting, guilt), overwork, sustained stress/grief and – as I’ve also learnt from Dean – from moral injury, vicarious trauma when reporting on the news and exposure to the relentless news cycle itself.
Taking time off in and of itself is usually not enough. Burnout requires more than a singular bandaid fix – it requires a collection of interventions.
You need to see a health professional to get better. It is an absolute fallacy to think that you can just work through it without a psychologist or counsellor. Would you just push through with a broken arm in the hope that it heals by itself?
Growing an awareness and taking heed of your own individual burnout warning signs and getting interventions in place early means
(a) not running yourself into the ground, and
(b) shortening your road to recovery.
My early warning signs are no longer exercising, withdrawing from my loved ones (not even having the energy to reply to an SMS), bad sleeping, and sustained difficulty in focussing whilst at work.
Regular exercise is a key preventative for burnout. So on the flip: not exercising is a key indicator that you may be on your way towards burnout.

Sharing all of this does feel quite uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure I’ll have a vulnerability hangover tomorrow. But the media landscape is under a lot of pressure and The Great Burnout is a thing here in Australia. So there should be no shame in talking openly about burnout.

These experiences have made me tougher, wiser and more aware of my limitations – which in turn makes me a better colleague, mother and friend. I’d be very happy to connect over a coffee (virtual or IRL) with anyone to listen or share learnings/ battles with burnout… as long as I can drink decaf 🙂

* Yes I did see two psychologists simultaneously – one that specialised in burnout, and another in childhood development (to help me feel more equipped and less anxious/guilty as a mum). I saw both of these through our EAP, where you can get quick access to professional therapists (many that conduct private practise also) with no need to get a GP referral for a mental health care plan, no waiting lists and zero out-of-pocket fees. There is also zero reporting – Private Media receives no information about who accesses the EAP. Whilst the EAP is described as 6 sessions a year for employees – in my experience, the sessions were unlimited until I felt I was ready for them to stop.

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