Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Store assistant: Wow, that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?
Store assistant: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of that $9 paint.
Store assistant: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Store assistant: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
Store assistant: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!
Store assistant: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Of course, I’ll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.
Store assistant: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given week. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?
Store assistant: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I don’t know exactly. Maybe five. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
Store assistant: Oh, no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy the paint and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: What?
Store assistant: That’s right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!
Store assistant: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset; that’s just the way it is. We make plans upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all kinds of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!
Store assistant: Yes, sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I’m going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Store assistant: That won’t do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules.
– Alan H. Hess. Originally published in Travel Weekly, October 1998.
