Whenever I hear that negotiation is a word game, I tend to shake my head just a little. You can’t talk about negotiation without advanced communication skills and that means understanding the language of your body and voice.
In my book Gravitas, I’ve focused heavily on the ancient Greek and Romans’ lost art of communication and how those skills can be applied today. That’s right. Everything old is new again.
Studying these civilisations revealed the ancient Romans knew the value of communicating well. With their focus on developing communication from youth, they knew precisely how to create exceptional connections with their colleagues and work through every situation — exactly the tools we need when it comes to negotiation.
There are five steps proffered in the negotiation process.
Somewhere in the 1960s, we were led astray on the art of negotiating, that the technique required simply involved reading other people, hiding your own truth, and spotting deception.
Pandering to those perceptions is not the answer and for those wanting to successfully negotiate in the 21st century, you must master true non-verbal communication and gravitas – which is all about self-awareness, understanding patterns and flexibility.
Our communication is so often guided by the unconscious mind and its response to fear, habits we have picked up from the ill-advised, or a complete lack of the ability to respond at all under stress.
In a negotiation, you “give it all away” in your face. Let me reassure you, you are not taken over by aliens and this is all just a habitual response. Which is why you need to become intimately aware of your breathing patterns under stress, your body position of neutrality, your listening pattern with your eyes, mouth and head and how you respond vocally when challenged.
This is not about manipulating a situation, but rather removing poor habitual patterns. Like driving a car, it is about personal development and knowing how your body works so that you can stop being purely guided by unconscious thoughts.
We need to realise that communication is not a ‘linear model’. This misunderstanding has led to the mistaken belief that in communication there is a sender (you) who sends messages through a channel to a receiver (the other person).
This model implies the so-called sender is separate from the so-called receiver, who may be read and manipulated through our actions.
Models of communication have evolved significantly since Shannon and Weaver first proposed their well-known conceptual model over 60 years ago.
This was never the intention of Aristotle who believed when two (or more) people commit to the communication process they combine their energies in an all-consuming communication force that enfolds them as one. There is no labelling of listener and receiver, but rather two people who pool their energies in the process of communication; both become sender and receiver concurrently.
As the speaker speaks, that sound ‘re-sounds’ in the ear of the listener, air falls away and the listener becomes the bearer of sound, which in turn dematerialises, travels inwards in vibration and the ‘other’ is experienced in hearing.
This implies no one loses and no one wins. It is an ‘interest-based, mutual gain’ approach.
Non-verbal communication includes so many elements. Being aware and connecting with others requires you to be aware of the combined patterns of eye contact, breathing, body posturing, head movement and facial expressions.
It involves seeing it in yourself and others, but critically ‘feeling’ it, as John Paul Moses discusses in his book ‘The voice of neurosis’, there is such a thing as ‘creative listening’ where we actually embody the physical presence of those around it. It’s a skill and can be learnt quite simply.
A person’s posture can show everything. Are you both leaning forward or is one out of sync with the other? Is the other person showing signs they have lost connection with you through being hunched over, with tight shoulders, which can show fear or reluctance to engage?
When it comes to your own posture, you should be flexible with a few positions on hand.
Firstly, your rest/neutral position should be upright and balanced, with the hands asymmetrically placed and the body open. This sets you up as being neutral and confident and ready for the next stage of flexibility. It is like the neutral gear in a car, and it allows you to have a free flow of breath and be in the best position to respond empathetically.
Gesturing is not a learned skill, it is something we began at birth, but has been blocked as we grow. Throughout the 20th century, gesturing as a part of communication was considered taboo.
Not so in Ancient Roman gravitas. They recognised that the gestures of people who have not been schooled in the art, are usually habitual stress patterns.
In the mutual engagement of a negotiation, you can use your arms to help clarify messages, to free your breath, and to keep the rhythm of the conversation.
By being aware of the importance of gestures you can then watch and feel the other party’s arms. If they are across the body, clenched fists and elbows placed tightly into the body to show they have disconnected, then you know you have work to do to re-engage them.
In a negotiation, remember gestures are:
It is often said that someone who holds eye contact is generally considered more trustworthy than someone who looks away often. But that is the old school. If you actually connect with the eyes of others you can see what is happening. It is another line of communication that is absolutely essential.
But again, you don’t want to stare them down. Research shows the optimal blink rate for creating the impression of active listening is 15 blinks per minute. You don’t want to force it, but the question becomes if you are not doing it, why not. What is going on in your mind and the mind of others that is skewing the communication?
Your facial expressions must support your spoken message, so make sure you are aware of what your habits are and try to identify and understand the patterns of others and look for changes.
Flexibility is about developing a habitual state of awareness and freeing the body to respond as the situation requires, not as the unconscious mind dictates. This leads us back to the first two points: the notion of self-awareness and also being in tune with the people around you.
Negotiation is not for the weak of intention. It is ultimately about creating a mutually advantageous agreement between two (or more) parties. Of course, verbal communication plays a key role. But non-verbal skills and body language are where you can really create a difference in your negotiating success.
The key to remember is that today’s world requires authentic, general connections between two or more individuals through self-awareness, creative listening, and flexibility of approach. You will not only appreciate the outcome, but will find joy in the connection.
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Dr Louise Mahler is a global expert in communication and body language, a leading international keynote speaker, and author of Gravitas: Timeless Skills to Communicate with Confidence and Build Trust. A highly sought-after media commentator, Mahler is a regular contributor to Sunrise, The Today Show, SBS, the ABC, as well as radio stations across Australia and for international and Australian print media. Mahler has a PhD in business focusing on leadership communication and in 2023 was named an adjunct professor of Federation University Australia.
