Fred Schebesta

I’ve said before that your online ad copy has to sizzle. Here are some solid examples…

Sizzle review

A couple of weeks ago (in my podcast talking to expert copywriter Jon Maxim) I invited readers to send me their ad copy and I would review it.

Luke Bird from Brisbane start-up PloyMe, which is in launch phase and trying to build a marketable database of eager job seekers to present to employers looking for distressed labour, sent in a series of different messages that have been sent using MySpace as the medium to an 18-25 demographic.

Here’s one sample:

Hey mate wat’s doing?

GOOD NEWS: Some music/club/bar people in Brisbane who are sick of not being able to find promo, bar and wait staff have developed a whizz bang way of doing just that for you and your mates.

Rather than smacking big ads up on the freeway which cost a bomb and do nothing, i’d rather hit you up individually to get your interest. And since i delete shitty corporate spam the moment i get it too, i’ve attached a funny youtube clip as a poorly disguised bribe to keep reading.

If you’re interested in learning more about finding casual work in entertainment/promo, hospitality and retail in Brisbane instantly and at the times you want to work and for free, check out our myspace or our website to log your details and hear about the launch.

PS – Just so you know I found your profile browsing Brisbane (here’s mine) Any comments or questions please let me know.

Something funny (well I think so).

 

And another sample:

Yo yo

Some bar and club people in Brisbane are looking for people who want part time work in hospitality/retail and promo. We have shifts for people from small and big business on every side of Brisbane and the Gold Coast. If you want to make extra money and your schedule is already too full for a new job try picking your own shifts instead.

Sign up here to gain membership when we launch in a fortnight.

You get to:
– pick your own shifts
– turn down shifts you don’t want
– set your own pay during peak periods (aka friday nights)
– try a job for one shift and leave if you don’t like it
– try a job for one shift and stay if you do like it
– use the skills in your current job (ok if you don’t have one!) to make cash-money in another
– get these benefits for free (employers pay)

We hate spam so here is a funny video to thank you for reading:

PS – If you friend us (so we can send you news about new jobs) we’ll send you another funny youtube clip. I know, I’m so generous.

And another:

Cash money in Brisbane

Heaps of bar and club people in Brisbane and the GC are desperate for people to work part time in hospitality/retail and promo. We have shifts for you right now from small and big businesses all over Brisbane. Make extra money without getting a new job even if your schedule already seems full – pick your own shifts instead.

Sign up here to gain membership when we launch in a fortnight.

You get to:
– pick your own shifts and get confirmation texted 2 you
– turn down shifts you don’t want
– set your own pay during peak periods (eg. friday nights)
– try a job for one shift and leave if you don’t like it
– try a job for one shift and stay if you do like it
– use the skills in your current job (ok if you don’t have one) to make cash-money in another
– work in hospitality, retail, promo, admin or any combination of the 4
– get these benefits for free (employers pay)

I’d prefer to use myspace to let you know about this rather than spending thousands of dollars on corporate crap. So here are some funny youtube vids to thank you for reading:

Peace,
Luke

PS – Friend us (so we can send you news about new jobs) and we’ll send you another funny youtube clip. I know, I’m so generous.

And here are Jon’s and my own responses:

Jon says:

I really like the business model, and the use of YouTube; perfect for the target audience. And good marketing copy has to start with the foundations of a strong product and medium. So, you’re off to a flying start.

Looking through the various versions provided, the early ones (“Hey mate wat’s doing”) are very different from the later ones (“Cash money in Brisbane”).

Even from those headers, you can see the difference. The first is quite obtuse, and suggests a strong personal relationship; the second explains right up front what the content is about, and has a slight distance… which is more acceptable for what is essentially marketing communications.

As you can probably tell, the later versions are the ones that I think do a better job of communicating what they are about.

I travel a lot (too much!), and I hate it when someone calls out to me in the airport (“hey, mate, you forgot something…”). When I turn, it’s Amex sales people. It annoys me that I’ve been fooled into a response. I think your early versions are the equivalent of that. While they’ll get attention, the follow up is a double disappointment; first, that I’ve been interrupted, and second that it was for a waste of time.

In the later versions, I also like the content and the bullet points. If you’re going to interrupt someone in their “personal” me-space… MySpace, YouTube… you’d better get to the point. Quickly.

Finally (I could go on, as there’s so much to praise and a fair bit to comment on), regarding some of the words in the early versions. I think there needs to be a slight distance between seller and buyer. Not cold, but some formality.

Even given the informal environment of YouTube, I think words such as “shitty” undermine the professionalism and smarts of the business.

Finally finally, overall (both early versions and later ones) the honesty is quite refreshing. Good luck with the new business model.

Fred says:

1. Headline is weak it has no benefit. Add one.

2. Copy needs to be broken up to be easily scannable. Dot points and bolding would be good.

3. Needs subhead. Add one with a justification to your benefit.

4. Call to action = weak. Make it obvious.

5. I like the enticements, they are cute and different.

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Comments

Delia Timms from findababysitter.com.au writes: I am a Gen X… but I’d be wary of spamming people using MySpace lists (or similar). It is not good business etiquette, ruins your credibility and annoys people. Think of other clever ways to target your market segments and gain their trust.